It's been over two years since my miscarriage, but it's definitely still a part of my life. I don't think about it every day and I've been very blessed to have a baby since then. The pain I felt the day Jason tried to reassure me, but I knew a life had ended is gone, but there are still times when I wonder what our lives would have been like if we'd been able to meet that sweet spirit, who only grew inside of me for a few weeks.
The day I miscarried was really painful-not so much physically, but emotionally. My sweet husband tried to comfort me and tell me that everything would be OK, but you know when your body is betraying you, and I knew at the first sight of blood that things weren't going to be OK.
I was lucky and I didn't need a D&C, I passed the baby on my own. But going to work that week and pretending that everything was just normal was horrible. That's the hard thing about miscarriage. Only so many people know what's going on and the rest of the world just assumes you're fine, when really you just want to crawl into bed and cry until the pain leaves. And the pain lasts a lot longer than the miscarriage does.
I had hard days when a friend or acquaintance would announce her pregnancy. I tried to feel happy for them, but deep down I thought, "This isn't fair. Why does she get to be pregnant and not me?" It was especially bad when someone would announce a second pregnancy. "They get two babies and I still have none."
After the wounds started to heal from my miscarriage, I tried to change my experience into something that could help others. I didn't want to have gone through this trial in vain. I wanted to be able to help other women to know that they weren't alone in those feelings of loss, grief and jealousy like I thought I had been before my friends comforted me.
I shared my experience with others and I talked about it both with strength and with tears until I thought that I could handle anything else that came my way.
Then, one January evening, 4 months after my miscarriage. I started to panic. I had read a positive pregnancy test that day. It wasn't like my first positive test all those months ago. The two pink lines lit up quickly instead of slowly and only faintly turning pink. I was elated at first. I knew something had been different and was so excited to get going on my pregnancy journey again.
Until I remembered the pain of my miscarriage. I started to worry. Would this one end in the same way? Excitement for a few weeks then utter emptiness when things went bad? I knew that I couldn't do it on my own again. I needed more than a friend to help. I needed more than my husband's arms to comfort me. I needed to know for myself that I could go through that agin.
I'm very blessed that I belong to a church that believes that God can bless us through worthy priesthood holders. I'm even more blessed that my husband is a worthy priesthood holder. I asked my husband to give me a blessing of comfort. To ask God to help me fight through the fear.
I honestly, don't remember all of what was said, but I remember my husband telling me that my past experiences would help me through this if I put my trust in God.
It was something I hadn't really ever had to do, putting my trust in God. I had asked for help throughout my life, but I hadn't relied on him solely. I realized that I didn't know how. How do you put all of your trust and faith into someone who can't physically hold you up? I had no idea.
So, instead of going to sleep that night I stayed up searching and reading my scriptures until I felt like I understood. I knew that whether or not I held this baby in my arms it was going to be part of a bigger plan, a longer journey. I was looking at the big picture instead of just what I wanted for my life right now.
I finally felt comfort. I was still scared throughout my pregnancy, but in the back of my mind I knew that no matter what happened, like my husband had said to me the day of my miscarriage, everything would be OK.
I know how lucky I am. I was able to get pregnant four months after my miscarriage, when some people aren't as lucky. I know some people who struggled with multiple miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies or infertility. I know my struggle wasn't as hard as their's but it was still a struggle for me and it doesn't diminish my experience. You can read more about my miscarriage here.