(Be sure to read Part 1 of this Blog!)

I had just gotten out of the shower, not particularly excited about the day because I was already living in a half-depressed state of mind/soul (as a result of the whole break-up and no promotion thing) I had no idea that life could get worse, way worse. When I hung up the phone I cried alone in my room yet again. The difference now was that I cried tears of fear. Utter fear had taken over me in a way that I had never experienced. My boss had just called to tell me that a young lady I’d hired and mentored for a year and half was found dead, alone in a hotel room with a gun. She shot herself. One of “my girls” gone, by her own choice at the age of 21. The fear came from hearing details that I wasn’t ready to hear and pictures that were being created in my head. Not to mention the spirit of evil that surrounds a suicide. Darkness loomed and begun to create fear, instantly.

I shut off completely in order to survive the events of the next week. My role at the University where I worked made it my responsibility to deliver the news, just two hours after I found out, to the group of 50 girls who had lived with her. I proceeded to plan a memorial service in 48 hours, which i emceed and then fly to her home state to attend the open casket funeral. All the while I had to make sure her friends were ok so I fought every urge to be afraid and ask if it was my fault. The only emotion I showed that day was the gasp that escaped when I saw her body and the note that I left on casket which simply said I’m sorry I didn’t do more.

When the students finally left for summer, which was only a week after the funeral, I had room to feel. What swept over me was not grief – that came months later, it was an identity obliterating sense that I was not enough, not in anyway, not in any area.

I had once believed that I had what it took but feeling overlooked as a woman and as an employee topped with a fatally disastrous attempt at helping someone, proved to me that I did not. The facts were black and white. I don't really have what it takes. So my eternally optimistic heart stopped believing and my sense of self-esteem disappeared, as quickly and violently as a bullet from a gun.

(to be continued)

I’m not sure how but I made it through high-school and college believing deeply that I could do anything I put my mind to while also knowing instinctively that when I failed it was ok because I would get it right eventually. I felt like I belonged and was a valuable part of a family that loved me and would unconditionally. I rarely felt the need for anyone’s approval. I approved of me and that was all that mattered. Sure small things bothered me – at 5’9 I was often taller than the boys. No model I’d ever seen had freckles, so naturally I hated mine. I have big hands, yuck! I sometimes felt insecure about the fact that I wasn’t dating much but I believed the right guy would see my heart and love me for it someday. In general, I was so convinced of my own worth that I could not wrap my head around why some girls didn’t like themselves. It never crossed my mind to worry about whether or not people liked me. My confidence, identity and self-esteem were firmly placed in my looks, abilities and family.

Two years after the Lord carried me through the-summer-that-everyone-got-married-except-me, life got tragic and not just bad-breakup tragic. In January I was dating a guy who wanted to marry me and though I actually told myself I’m just going to make this one work, the Holy Spirit would not let me get away with that. I had finally learned from past relationships and could not act outside of that new wisdom. Truth stalked me until I gave in. I could not marry I man I didn’t respect, bottom line. No matter how badly I wanted a family and regardless of the fact that I was pushing thirty! Though I knew calling it off was right I still went through the same grieving process. Will I ever marry? Are all the good ones gone? While enduring the aloneness of single-again at 27, my best friend got a promotion that I have been waiting two years for and I as informed of it with no warning at all. I was completely blindsided and for the first time started question my abilities at work. At around the same time, I got a phone call that changed my life. It was a Saturday morning at 9:34, I’ll never forget it.

(to be continued)

{Written in May, 2011}

I had a counseling meeting with a very popular student yesterday. She was everything you would imagine popular to be; athletic, blonde, funny, beautiful and oh…suicidal.

Yep.

Seeing another broken heart has fired up my protective instincts and this blog gets the brunt of it today.

I’m mad at TV, movies, music, magazines … and all the people who selfishly produce them. The woman in me sees them as threat to my own emotional well-being daily because they confuse me too. But more than that the big sister in me just saw them victimize another one of my younger sisters. I’m not kidding, put me in the room with a producer of Glee or anyone who has anything to do with MTV right now and I would rip into them like a lioness fighting for her cubs.

It’s all so fake, the parties, the perfect bodies, the clothes and the sex. We hear catchy tunes and so we sing along not even realizing the words are “wanna be a victim, ready for abduction” (E.T. by Katy Perry) To be sexy and desired by all the boys is the pinnacle of success. That’s what we see and it looks fun, doesn’t it? I won’t even deny that, it looks fun. Why? Because they take the reality of sin and its consequences and edit out all the pain and leave all the pleasure.

It’s a perfect looking lie and it’s intoxicating.

As sinful beings and as woman we end up desiring that life. Some of us, like the girl I met with yesterday actually attain it.  She has it all, from the friends to the best looking guys to the attention. On TV, that’s the end of the story but in real life the credits don’t roll after a hot Friday night. The next morning comes and in the weeks and months that follow a deep emptiness that is unexplainable to most girls settles in.  Eventually that feeling becomes intolerable. Guilt mixed with desire and shame degrades her beauty from the inside out. The ones who let pain become anger get more addicted to the temporary highs. The ones who see pain for what it really is, sadness, come here looking for comfort.

Though it is my purpose and joy to give it them – or at least try – I’m tired of seeing it.  I’m tired of weeping over the deadness I see in her eyes when she says “I hooked up with another guy…”

This is what I deal with daily; this is reality. This is what is left of a young woman after the media has had its way with her.

I wonder why they never broadcast that.

When I was interning at the Republican Party of San Diego Country I once got accused of being drunk. Yes, I went through a I-want-to-be-a-politician stage. (Come to think of it, maybe it was a I-want-to-live-in-San Diego-for-free stage)

We were throwing a fundraiser at the Del Mar Race Track. It was a huge event in which we raised almost $20,000. As the night progressed the other interns and I began to feel the excitement of our job well done and as people started leaving we figured it was our turn to party. I don’t remember exactly what moves I pulled on the dance floor that night but I can assure you of two things: 1) I never had one sip of alcohol. 2) There was no dirty dancing going on, if you know what I’m saying. Anyway, there was a call-in complaint about me the next day that went something like this “The event was fantastic but I thought the drunk intern at the end was a little tacky.”

I kinda took it as a compliment. I mean, I knew I hadn’t done anything inappropriate so the presumption that I was drunk was drawn simply from the fact that I was especially happy and enjoying the moment. I’ve always felt rather free to do that but over time have become more and more aware that many Christians don’t.

I feel like Christians don’t know how to party...which is odd me to because God sure seems to like it.

Did you know the word celebrate (and other variations of it) is used 664 times in the Bible and in many instances it is a command given by God to his people! For example, “Celebrate this as a festival to the LORD for seven days each year. This is to be a lasting ordinance for the generations to come; celebrate it in the seventh month.” Leviticus 23:41. In other places it appears as a response to something exciting or good that has happened. “For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:24. And still in other places, such as Revelations, it refers to future celebrating that will take place!

It's obvious already isn’t it? We are comfortable with the word “celebrate” but not the word “party.” Party implies what, people getting wasted, while celebrate implies a bunch of nice families standing around a backyard pool eating fruit ka-bobs. That we can handle. That seems safe...spiritually safe.

Personally, I think fruit ka-bob parties are about as fun as cleaning a toilet. I see the benefit in it but I kinda dread it.

If I could be known for one thing – If I could leave one legacy, I would be alright with being the woman who made Christians fun again. I honestly believe it’s possible to have celebrations, festivals and yes even parties that are both wildly fun and spiritually safe. I don’t have it all figured out just yet but I’m working on it. I just know that we have alot to be happy about and we have the permission as well. Seems like we just need to get over our fear of the "slipperly slope" and trust the purity of our joy.

“So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 8:15

Cheers ;)

I counsel college age women for a living and I feel like 90% of what I do is to talk these wide-eyes girls through the fear of their own emotions. Yes, they all have events they need to talk through and get advice about but honestly no amount of talking alone would allow them to move forward in life. The reason they are still being controlled by past events is because they haven’t allowed themselves to purge the event (as I like to call it).

We act like our emotions are going to kill us. People would rather keep themselves busy 24/7, addicted to any number of things that keep their lives too "loud" to hear their own hearts - than just having a good cry (or even a few months worth of good cries) if it’s needed.

Maybe that’s you or maybe you are more like me. I love a good emotional breakdown. Well, I don’t love how I feel when I’m crying or feeling the emotion but I always feel better after. I have a good cry-myself-into-a-migraine every few months I would say. I’m not talking about being overly dramatic for the sake of attention. I’m talking about purging the naturally occurring irrational thoughts and feelings that sometimes well up.

I’ve learned that people think that by not crying for years on end they are “controlling their emotions.” While I agree that being able to hold tears at bay until an appropriate time is a needed social grace, I have learned that suppressing them all together is the opposite of controlling them. It’s fearing them and thus allowing them to control you.

Read 1 Kings 19:1-18 tell me if that doesn’t sound like a major emotional breakdown. And now tell me, where was God in it all? And more importantly, is He just there or does he actually offer help too? And does the irrational outburst cause Elijah to lose his sanity or regain it?

I think we should come to recognize emotions and the occasional emotional breakdown for what it is – an opportunity for God to prove Himself and refocus us though intimate conversation with Him.

I counsel college age women for a living and I feel like 90% of what I do is to talk these wide-eyes girls through the fear of their own emotions. At my very best I usher them to God – who then sits with them for as long as they need and proves, over and over that their fear of emotion was, well…irrational.

“Crying is not a sign of weakness. Since birth it has been proof that you are alive.”

~Unknown

When Jo Saxton stepped on stage to open the Tour of Hope event last fall, I sat quietly not really knowing what to expect. There I was, having taken this “leap of faith” by dragging my sleepy self out of bed at 4 am, along with 28 girls from Liberty University, to attend this rather unknown event. The Tour of Hope sounded interesting enough to us and though we hoped for a memorable experience, we we’re all thrilled that it actually ended up being more.

It was an event, a day, a moment that many of the girls in my group, myself included, will be able to point to as the day that the Lord delivered us. From what? From believing that our dreams are just too big. You might be thinking that’s a strong word. But is it? Is it not some form of captivity when someone is living with suppressed hopes, passions and potential? Is it not some form of emotional confinement to see things that break our heart while being made to feel like we are unrealistic to think we can do anything about it? In fact, we are told, often through lack of affirmation rather than direct opposition, that it’s not really our place as Christian woman to do anything too big. We can be a little bit of everything, just not too much of anything, as Jo put it in her opening session. “We can be strong, just not too strong. Pretty, just not too pretty. Smart, just not too smart.”  She was making the point that as Christian women have we have been trained to believe that downplaying our strengths is the definition of Biblical submission.

Is it?

By definition, submission means to yield to the authority of another. For us, that is the authority is God. We hear this and think automatically yielding our sinful desires – resisting sin. What if we also started to yield our positive, holy, life-giving desires? Many of us feel the Lord has created us to reach out, help or love on a large scale, yet we never do. We think it is somehow unbiblical to pursue something so big as if it would be a selfish or prideful thing to use our strength or gift. Job 39:19-22 says “Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane ... he paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing.” Nature screams the glory of God and it’s not because of what it doesn’t do. It’s because it does exactly what it was created to do and it does it to the fullest. Every tiger, lady bug, river and cloud carries on daily being fully submitted to Gods authority. They bring glory to God by doing rather than downplaying.

Humankind, unlike nature, has free will. We chose to submit our strengths or not. I am thankful for the reminder that the Tour of Hope gave me and for the Holy Spirit that continues to be my reminder in this regard. I should never be selfish with my strengths or gifts rather use them always to display His glory; laying them down in humility or living them out in victory. Near or far, socially exactable or not, we are called to yield to His authority.